the mole application process

It is official. I have submitted my application and audition tape to THE MOLE Casting Department.

I have always been in LOVE with The Mole. I LOVED it when I watched it in 8th grade during its debut. I LOVED it when I purchased the first season on DVD and binged with Jordie Poncy last summer. I LOVED it when I persuaded Lee to watch the entire first season last Monday night. Really, what’s not to LOVE?

It has been my dream for some time now. Anytime Jordie and I begin talking hypothetically about our future - whether plans to invent a time machine or plans to move to an exotic island after we graduate so we can renovate a decrepit house – somehow EVERY conversation reverts back to The Mole. It’s really quite bizarre how often our goal of being on The Mole comes up. We are to the point where we talk in terms of “Mole”.

Jordie: How moley would I be if I made a video for Delta with Matt Hanson and not you and never mentioned it?
Anna Marie: Soooo moley. Thank goodness you would never do that!

Jordie: If I could have any super power, I would want mind control.
Anna Marie: REALLY!? You really ARE slytherin!
Jordie: What?! I don’t think that’s a mole move at all.

Anna Marie: What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
Jordie: I can’t decide. Either a piece of candy corn or a mole.

Anna Marie: What’s a good prank I could play on some people? I need your noggin.
Jordie: How 'bout this: put baby powder in under their door crack when the door is closed. Then, from outside, put a blow-dryer to it, dusting their whole room in a suspicious white powder. That, or kill their pets.
Anna Marie: That’s brill. You really ARE a mole.

Jordie: They should make a season of the mole where everyone is from the same family and one is the mole.
Anna Marie: After we both graduate, wanna make our own mole?... We can organize with friends and make up sweet missions. Who should we make the mole? It can't be one of us, cause we have to be the clever hosts.
Jordie: You know who would be a terrible mole?
Anna Marie: Who?
Jordie: Adam Martin. He would stop in the middle and ask the producers questions about the theory behind what he is supposed to be doing and then laugh when he realized that he’d given himself away.

I had been checking the ABC website persistently for weeks when they finally posted it – “Casting for the Mole”. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Jordie and I could make our dreams a reality! We had 7 days to get our videos in.

Turns out Jordie caught the plague and couldn’t make a video.
WHAT A BUMMER.
As opposed to working in advance, I waited until the day the audition tape was due to get started on editing and filling out the 19 page application, which included a cryptic legal statement.

I spent an entire day of dressing in monochromatic outfits, camouflaging myself with familiar objects around campus, and being filmed. I was observed and questioned by many-a colleague as to why I was dressed in such a manner and why I had a camera. Each time I explained – I knew that it would result in either a complete loss or gain of all respect. This is pretty much my litmus test for life.

Of course, the day the video was due – there WOULD be a 5 hour staff training session in the computer lab, forcing me into a 30 minute power editing session, before getting kicked out of the media lab when an unexpected class showed up. Regardless, I am content with the “homemade” feel of the video. I also had to sing all the songs from The Mole, since I signed that I didn’t use anything that was copyrighted.

Highlights from the application:
[Most of these came from a 2am brainstorming session with Lee and Mary Gearing, so they deserve much of the credit.]
• Do you own The Mole on DVD?
Heck yes!

• Would you consider yourself a fan of the show?
Heck yes!

• Describe yourself in one word.
Stealthy.

• Have you ever let your teammates down?
At age 4 while playing t-ball, I lost the entire game for my team, the Dodgers.

• What are you afraid of? What makes you nervous?
I am deathly afraid of ladybugs. They attacked me once. Jonathon Taylor Thomas makes me very nervous.

• What is the wildest thing you’ve ever done?
I once duct-taped my teacher to a wall.

• The competitor on this show should have skills in strategy in order to win. Explain why you think you could win.

• Who is the most important person or persons in your life? Why?
This is toss up between my family and Jordie Poncy. Why? My family is incredibly supportive of everything I do, and Jordie tells great jokes.

• If you could have one person visit you during the show, who would it be and why?
Lee Mimms. Because she paid me to say that. And she’s half Belgian.

• If you were selected to be “The Mole”, why do you think you could outsmart your competitors?
Let’s just say – I know linear algebra.

• Tell us how you deal with conflict and adversity in group situations.
I generally place my hands over my ears. This is followed by repetitive screaming.

• What is the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
I am related to The Notorious B.I.G.

• Which would you prefer to be: “the mole” or a competitor?
Honestly, I would prefer to be the host.

• Have you ever appeared nude in any magazine, publicly disseminated photographs, advertisements, or on the internet?

• Do you currently use recreational drugs?

• Tell us 3 surprising things about yourself or your past that most people do not know.
1. I played the role of Tecumseh in my 3rd grade play.
2. I settled Catan.
3. I would rather be rich than stupid.

• Besides the end prize, what is your motivation to be on this show?
In the wise words of Jordie Poncy, “Do [I] really want to live the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like to win The Mole?!?!” Jordie is my motivation for winning all the dough.

• I warrant that all music involved in the application is free from copyright. [Why do you think I sang the mole theme songs? It’s NOT because I don’t own the soundtrack!]

[audition tape posted below.]